I can’t honestly deal with feeling attractions towards people that I know are good looking, regardless whether I know I feel that way because I like who they are as a whole. I just can’t deal. I know I’ll never be good enough. And when it comes down to it, it’s not that fucking hard to find someone a hundred thousand times better than me. I don’t ever want to be told any different because it won’t change the fact that I’m an insecure fucking mess. I wish I was genuinely good enough to be cared about, I really fucking do. :(
I keep on telling myself that I’ve never felt so lost, miserable and useless in my life but it feels so much more realistic every single time. I’ve spent years of my life, and even more recently, most of my time refusing to acknowledge that there is something wrong with me and that it needs to fucking change. But how do you do it? How do you tell yourself that you need to change when you know that you don’t want to? Addiction is a disease. We all know it. You can’t give up smoking because you want to, or because you think that you should, it has to be purely because you want to, or else you’ll have the constant craving to return. What’s the difference with being addicted to anything else? I’m addicted to many things, but they’re purely inflicted by my addiction to self hatred. It can be disguised or disregarded, but it will always be there. Fuck, I don’t want it to leave. It’s the only thing that makes me who I am. I know that from an outside perspective it makes me look like a problematic child, but we all have our fucked up problems and this has become the only thing that makes me who I am. I’d be more fucking lost than I am right now if I weren’t consumed by my addiction to hating everything that I ever will be. I don’t want help because I don’t want to get better- ever. I want this to kill me, and I get even more upset when I don’t get pushed off the edge. I want to be pushed off the fucking edge. You can’t fix a broken glass, you can’t fix a smashed window so don’t ever try to fix me. I promise that it will be a waste of time.
I just found that the course I’d really like to do offers a traineeship. However, it is in Port Pirie. Full time for two years.
Uh.
There’s a boy on television that has bigger boobies than me. I don’t know whether to feel worse for me or him. Probably me, because I’m supposed to look like a fucking female.
Butterflies make me feel sick. I like being unhappy because I know my life isn’t being sugarcoated with things that appear good.
